Horoscope

10.25.06 | ISSUE 42•43

  • Your Birthday Today Although you still believe it to be a good deed, you will nonetheless grow increasingly jealous of the Habitat For Humanity home you're helping to build.
  • Aries A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.
  • Taurus While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.
  • Gemini No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
  • Cancer You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.
  • Leo You will see yourself in a whole new light this week while desperately failing to locate a single vein inside that downtown McDonald's bathroom.
  • Virgo A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.
  • Libra The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
  • Scorpio Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
  • Sagittarius You're nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don't worry: Chances are she's feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you.
  • Capricorn A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.
  • Aquarius Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.
  • Pisces Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    • November 1, 2011

      Aries They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, but as far as you're concerned, crap like that is for people who can get out of bed. Taurus Your significant other has always been the never-say-d...

    See All Horoscopes
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