• Your Birthday Today After years of struggling to write The Great American Novel, months of struggling to write The Great American Novella, and weeks of struggling to write The Great American Short Story, you will finally break down and spend a few minutes writing The Great American Suicide Letter.
  • Aries Days after the plane crash, surrounded by the skeletal remains of hundreds of former passengers, you'll be overcome by a phenomenon known as "survivor's indigestion."
  • Taurus Everyone brags about their kids, but remember, the law named after your daughter has only been adopted in 48 out of 50 states.
  • Gemini Apple Computer will have limited interest in your prototype of a new iPod that holds up to four songs, yet fits comfortably inside an ordinary dump truck.
  • Cancer As grim as the situation may at first appear, the death toll will be surprisingly low after a school bus runs head-on into a local bloodmobile this week.
  • Leo Skeptic James Randi will award you a check for $1,000,000 next week, after you are observed thoroughly enjoying that new Brad Garrett sitcom.
  • Virgo They can take your wife, they can even take away your children, but they're going to need a much bigger hearse to do it all at once.
  • Libra Your 25-year high school reunion this week will reveal how little the Class of '83, and its bitter struggle with math, has changed over time.
  • Scorpio Friends will once again claim this week that you should've been born during a different time, particularly one where pregnant women weren't ingesting Thalidomide as frequently.
  • Sagittarius Sagittarius apologizes for the last couple of weeks, man... it's just that it's been so busy and all lately. Anyway, um, horoscope... um, you'll have a heart attack. Shit. Sorry.
  • Capricorn The dismal opening-night receipts of Taco Gorillas From Outer Space will teach you an important lesson about composing operettas while stoned.
  • Aquarius You will bury yourself in your work this week, which would not be a problem if you weren't a gravedigger.
  • Pisces A race war will break out in the deepest dark of night, giving one side the definite upper hand.