• Your Birthday Today You've gone to great lengths to get out of jury duty before, but falsely confessing to three counts of vehicular manslaughter will top all previous efforts.
  • Aries While your dream of opening your very own coffee shop will ultimately fail, you'll still succeed in doing what few ever could by opening your very own wrists.
  • Taurus You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
  • Gemini You will fly into a blind, towering, destructive, psychotic, and ultimately murderous rage this week over the excessive use of adjectives in today's popular writing.
  • Cancer Although you often say that suffering a stroke is nothing to laugh about, the way your tongue swashes about helplessly as you struggle to form the words only hurts your case.
  • Leo Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.
  • Virgo Despite having certain doubts and nagging suspicions about the matter, you'd never go so far as to call yourself a Holocaust "denier."
  • Libra You may be dishonest, deceitful, and even untrustworthy, but the one thing you're not is someone who tells the truth.
  • Scorpio Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.
  • Sagittarius It's been years since you last spoke to your father, but with the game going into double overtime you have no other choice but to wait a little longer.
  • Capricorn Confirming your suspicions, a study this week will reveal that 86 percent of all human suffering takes place while waiting in line.
  • Aquarius Dead bodies, stumbled upon at regular intervals, will help you to keep track of your progress while hiking.
  • Pisces While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.