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Your Birthday Today You've gone to great lengths to get out of jury duty before, but falsely confessing to three counts of vehicular manslaughter will top all previous efforts.

Aries While your dream of opening your very own coffee shop will ultimately fail, you'll still succeed in doing what few ever could by opening your very own wrists.

Taurus You've never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.

Gemini You will fly into a blind, towering, destructive, psychotic, and ultimately murderous rage this week over the excessive use of adjectives in today's popular writing.

Cancer Although you often say that suffering a stroke is nothing to laugh about, the way your tongue swashes about helplessly as you struggle to form the words only hurts your case.

Leo Your paranoid ramblings will once again give the seven government agents who gather each morning at a subterranean, state-of-the-art civilian surveillance facility a good laugh.

Virgo Despite having certain doubts and nagging suspicions about the matter, you'd never go so far as to call yourself a Holocaust "denier."

Libra You may be dishonest, deceitful, and even untrustworthy, but the one thing you're not is someone who tells the truth.

Scorpio Ever since you can remember, you've always been the curious sort, forever asking about the accident you were in, how many months have passed since, and when, if ever, your long-term memory will return.

Sagittarius It's been years since you last spoke to your father, but with the game going into double overtime you have no other choice but to wait a little longer.

Capricorn Confirming your suspicions, a study this week will reveal that 86 percent of all human suffering takes place while waiting in line.

Aquarius Dead bodies, stumbled upon at regular intervals, will help you to keep track of your progress while hiking.

Pisces While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...