• Your Birthday Today While everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion of how you run your life, the bullhorn they've been using does seem a bit much.
  • Aries The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.
  • Taurus Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
  • Gemini Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."
  • Cancer The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
  • Leo Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
  • Virgo Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
  • Libra An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
  • Scorpio If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
  • Sagittarius While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
  • Capricorn Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
  • Aquarius You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
  • Pisces Some may call you idealistic, even naïve, but more and more you're beginning to believe that every lack of a vote can make a difference.