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Your Birthday Today While everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion of how you run your life, the bullhorn they've been using does seem a bit much.

Aries The good news is that you won't die alone, as you've always feared. The bad news, however, is that it's because you'll be pregnant at the time.

Taurus Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.

Gemini Whimpering softly at the end of a narrow hallway, you'll soon become acquainted with both definitions of the verb "to defile."

Cancer The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those fucking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.

Leo Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?

Virgo Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.

Libra An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.

Scorpio If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.

Sagittarius While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.

Capricorn Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.

Aquarius You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.

Pisces Some may call you idealistic, even naïve, but more and more you're beginning to believe that every lack of a vote can make a difference.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (November 22, 2006)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...