• Your Birthday Today The discovery of two scoliotic spines this week will bring you one step closer to completing that rocking chair of skulls.
  • Aries Next week's appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist will start with some positive news about your ears and your nose.
  • Taurus While the transformation and its implications may be difficult to accept, there's no longer any sense in denying it: You are now more beatbox than human.
  • Gemini Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
  • Cancer Many will disapprove of your decision, but after carefully weighing the options, you'll once again go with the thinner woman.
  • Leo You'll claim to have only been following doctor's orders, but jury members will still convict you of assisting in a series of barbaric musculoskeletal medical experiments.
  • Virgo They say that a baby changes everything, and while you'll feel a little more pressure, in the end the game is still five-card stud.
  • Libra Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
  • Scorpio Your body will be so battered and bloodied that police investigators will suspect necrophiliacs of having carried out the rape.
  • Sagittarius Dozens of low-income and at-risk families will suffer this week after you put another housing project off to the last minute.
  • Capricorn Riding in a golf cart with snow cone in hand, you'll be tackled by two police officers this week after matching a composite caricature of a suspected murderer.
  • Aquarius You'll be praised as a true original and an innovator of the art form after shooting a film whose plot unfolds in chronological order.
  • Pisces With each week that passes—regardless of how many children are murdered—your ritual killings are beginning to feel more like your rote killings.