Your Birthday Today For the fifth month in a row, you will be forced to deal with your abandonment issues completely alone.
Aries While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
Taurus Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
Gemini Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
Cancer You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
Leo A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
Virgo You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
Libra While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
Scorpio Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
Sagittarius The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
Capricorn You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
Aquarius Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
Pisces Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.
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