Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 42•48 Nov 28, 2006
  • Your Birthday Today For the fifth month in a row, you will be forced to deal with your abandonment issues completely alone.
  • Aries While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
  • Taurus Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.
  • Gemini Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
  • Cancer You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.
  • Leo A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
  • Virgo You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
  • Libra While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
  • Scorpio Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
  • Sagittarius The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
  • Capricorn You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
  • Aquarius Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
  • Pisces Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.