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Your Birthday Today For the fifth month in a row, you will be forced to deal with your abandonment issues completely alone.

Aries While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.

Taurus Although doctors will suspect a brain tumor to be behind all the swelling, they won't know for sure until a wider MRI tube is built.

Gemini Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.

Cancer You will finally leave your boyfriend this week after learning that he's been physically and emotionally abusing some other girl on the side.

Leo A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."

Virgo You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.

Libra While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.

Scorpio Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.

Sagittarius The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.

Capricorn You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.

Aquarius Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.

Pisces Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...