Your Birthday Today Anger at the world this week will once again magically transform a plate of baked potatoes into a plate of mashed potatoes.
Aries You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
Taurus After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
Gemini You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
Cancer You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
Leo You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
Virgo Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
Libra If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
Scorpio Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
Sagittarius You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
Capricorn Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
Aquarius You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
Pisces After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.