• Your Birthday Today Anger at the world this week will once again magically transform a plate of baked potatoes into a plate of mashed potatoes.
  • Aries You'll get carried away this Thursday after one too many drinks, and by four too many men.
  • Taurus After years of disappointment, you'll suddenly realize this week that satisfying sex has always been within arm's reach.
  • Gemini You and your family will fall victim to a freak 40-car pileup during a short-lived tour of the new Nissan plant.
  • Cancer You'll be amazed this week by the lengths some people are prepared to go to just to escape from a burning textiles factory.
  • Leo You'll be rushed into the operating room this week after troubled doctors decide your cosmetic surgery can't wait any longer.
  • Virgo Remember: Children who are not developmentally disabled, nor born with severe birth defects or chromosomal abnormalities, are our future.
  • Libra If there's one thing you're guilty of in this life, it's committing six counts of third-degree assault with a deadly weapon.
  • Scorpio Forty thousand years after you were cryogenically frozen, scientists will at last bring you back to life when they come up with a cure for stupidity.
  • Sagittarius You'll be discovered this week by the director of the hit musical Stomp! during a drunken, borderline-psychotic outburst.
  • Capricorn Following years of wrestling with the spiritual dilemma, you'll learn the hard way this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
  • Aquarius You'll be torn a new asshole this week by some of the top reconstructive surgeons in the country.
  • Pisces After everything that's happened to you in the last year, it's amazing how modest you can still be about the spread of cancer in your body.