• Your Birthday Today While experimenting with sex is perfectly normal for someone your age, experimenting with different types of electrical current and diode clamps is not.
  • Aries You claim that nobody understands your pain, but then how could they with you writhing around on the ground and shrieking unintelligibly all the time?
  • Taurus Years of treating your body like a temple will backfire this Thursday when savage hordes of Turkish soldiers ruthlessly plunder its depths.
  • Gemini Remember: There's nothing you can't change if you just put your mind to it, and no mind you can't change if you just put your fists to it.
  • Cancer You will be charged with 1,348 counts of soliciting a minor by Thought Police officers this Thursday.
  • Leo You've always been above petty sibling squabbles, but that was before your brother started getting preferential cancer treatment.
  • Virgo Sometimes it feels like all you do at work is clean up other people's shit, which isn't surprising considering you're employed full-time as a janitor.
  • Libra Tired of the limitations of small-town life, you'll soon move to the city in search of bigger and better spare change.
  • Scorpio You will once again make yourself sick over the smallest of possible ingested foods and liquids this week.
  • Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.
  • Capricorn A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Aquarius The image of the Virgin Mary will appear to you this week, completely obscuring your wife's sweat-streaked face in bed.
  • Pisces They say there's nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound.