Horoscope

01.10.07 | ISSUE 43•02

  • Your Birthday Today Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
  • Aries When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
  • Taurus Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
  • Gemini A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
  • Cancer Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
  • Leo Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
  • Virgo While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
  • Libra Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
  • Scorpio Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? Or did Professor Plum commit the crime in the library with the lead pipe? Either way, nobody will be interested in playing your new rape edition of the classic board game Clue.
  • Sagittarius You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
  • Capricorn Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
  • Aquarius Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
  • Pisces A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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