Your Birthday Today You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality this week during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
Aries Long after your death, many will remember you as the first man ever to simultaneously break both the sound and cement barrier.
Taurus Your new Civil War novel would have made a welcome addition to the corpus of American historical fiction if its main storyline hadn't already been used in an episode of Knight Rider.
Gemini A man is often known by the company he keeps, which is more than enough reason for you to close down Wanton Bigotry, Inc.
Cancer You'll wake up next to a dead Taiwanese prostitute Sunday morning, and immediately regret your decision to pick up a dead Taiwanese prostitute the night before.
Leo Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
Virgo Your new job as a quality-control tester gets off to a rocky start when you fall for the old peanut-brittle-can gag 76 times in a row.
Libra While it may not be the most elegant of methods, you'll nonetheless solve a problem with your in-laws this week through the process of elimination.
Scorpio You'll be made to feel like a princess this week when you're betrothed, without prior consultation, to the odorous and rotten-toothed King Gumperthon of neighboring Ilswich.
Sagittarius A double-inclined plane will—through the application of downward force—drive a wedge between you and your spouse this week.
Capricorn You will be judged today by a group of your peers, as well as tomorrow and every subsequent day until graduation.
Aquarius After being tied to a set of railroad tracks for several decades, you'll finally meet your demise this week with the arrival of a repeatedly delayed Amtrak train.
Pisces Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.
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