Your Birthday Today Religion will soon instill in you a renewed sense of purpose. Also, it will soon instill in you a renewed sense of fear, a renewed sense of guilt, and a renewed sense of shame.
Aries There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
Taurus Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Gemini While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
Cancer You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
Leo An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
Virgo You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
Libra Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
Scorpio Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
Sagittarius Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
Capricorn Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
Aquarius After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
Pisces Your worst shark, tornado, and public-speaking fears will be realized, pretty much at once next Tuesday.
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