• Your Birthday Today Religion will soon instill in you a renewed sense of purpose. Also, it will soon instill in you a renewed sense of fear, a renewed sense of guilt, and a renewed sense of shame.
  • Aries There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.
  • Taurus Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
  • Gemini While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.
  • Cancer You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.
  • Leo An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
  • Virgo You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.
  • Libra Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.
  • Scorpio Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.
  • Sagittarius Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.
  • Capricorn Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.
  • Aquarius After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.
  • Pisces Your worst shark, tornado, and public-speaking fears will be realized, pretty much at once next Tuesday.