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Your Birthday Today Religion will soon instill in you a renewed sense of purpose. Also, it will soon instill in you a renewed sense of fear, a renewed sense of guilt, and a renewed sense of shame.

Aries There won't be a dry eye in the house this week when support beams collapse under the heat of 10-foot flames and block all available exit routes.

Taurus Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.

Gemini While curiosity may have killed the cat, your wife and kids will soon fall victim to a deadly blend of anger and mistrust.

Cancer You never considered yourself to be someone who's particularly good with his hands, but that's not to say that you won't miss them.

Leo An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.

Virgo You'll learn the value of a dollar this week when drug lords put an emotionally devastating price on your head.

Libra Disgrace will be yours when a conservationist, an animal-rights activist, and the host of a weekly get-together all label you as bad for the environment.

Scorpio Your belief that others are secretly conspiring against you is truly absurd. In fact, they couldn't be more open about it if they tried.

Sagittarius Sadly, your insatiable thirst for blood says more about the physical shape you're in than anything else.

Capricorn Others can say what they want, but flogging that dead horse just seems to get funnier the more you do it.

Aquarius After a string of rejections, you'll finally find love this week on the most unlikely of street corners.

Pisces Your worst shark, tornado, and public-speaking fears will be realized, pretty much at once next Tuesday.

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Your Horoscope » (January 31, 2007)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...