Your Birthday Today Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing twenty-three employees.
Aries Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.
Taurus Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.
Gemini Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
Cancer Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.
Leo Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."
Virgo Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
Libra A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.
Scorpio Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.
Sagittarius Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.
Capricorn While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.
Aquarius Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
Pisces You'll toss and turn in bed tonight, completely unable to fall asleep after killing a couple of innocent hours during an afternoon nap.
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