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Your Birthday Today Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing twenty-three employees.

Aries Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.

Taurus Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.

Gemini Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.

Cancer Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.

Leo Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."

Virgo Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.

Libra A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.

Scorpio Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.

Sagittarius Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.

Capricorn While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.

Aquarius Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.

Pisces You'll toss and turn in bed tonight, completely unable to fall asleep after killing a couple of innocent hours during an afternoon nap.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...