Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•06 Feb 7, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today Fun and despair will be in the air this week when a nearby confetti factory explodes, killing twenty-three employees.
  • Aries Not surprisingly, your feminine wiles will once again fail to charm doctors into giving you free facial reconstruction surgery.
  • Taurus Exposure to bursts of gamma radiation this week will leave you with the tumor-growing ability of ten regular men.
  • Gemini Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
  • Cancer Remember: Only by learning from the mistakes we've committed in the past can we truly improve the quality of the mistakes we will make in the future.
  • Leo Sure, the use of racial profiling may bring rise to a number of ethical issues, but that's not to say it won't help in capturing your town's "Very Well-Endowed Killer."
  • Virgo Your first instinct this week will be to run, while your second instinct this week will be to find your legs.
  • Libra A panel of twelve jurors will soon find you guilty of a crime you didn't commit very well.
  • Scorpio Look to the stars this week for a way to mentally disconnect with what will be happening on top of you in that field.
  • Sagittarius Don't get discouraged! Whatever you lack in talent, discipline, and ambition, you more than make up for in lack of talent, discipline, and ambition.
  • Capricorn While you've always believed in love at first sight, ten years of marriage will soon test your faith in love at repeated sight.
  • Aquarius Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
  • Pisces You'll toss and turn in bed tonight, completely unable to fall asleep after killing a couple of innocent hours during an afternoon nap.