Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Last Updated 10:43 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today A short stint as a human cannonball will eventually lead you to a much longer stint as a human corpse.

Aries Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."

Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.

Gemini While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.

Cancer An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.

Leo Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.

Virgo You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.

Libra You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.

Scorpio The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.

Sagittarius Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.

Capricorn The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.

Aquarius Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.

Pisces While life may begin at conception, hours of painful exertion will reveal it to sometimes end at delivery.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (February 7, 2007)
Your Horoscope » (February 20, 2007)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...