Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•07 Feb 14, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today A short stint as a human cannonball will eventually lead you to a much longer stint as a human corpse.
  • Aries Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
  • Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
  • Gemini While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
  • Cancer An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
  • Leo Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
  • Virgo You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
  • Libra You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
  • Scorpio The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
  • Sagittarius Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
  • Capricorn The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
  • Aquarius Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
  • Pisces While life may begin at conception, hours of painful exertion will reveal it to sometimes end at delivery.