Your Birthday Today A short stint as a human cannonball will eventually lead you to a much longer stint as a human corpse.
Aries Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
Taurus You've never been good at saying goodbye, which explains why your speech therapist keeps charging you for an extra half hour each week.
Gemini While the fear of losing your individuality to a world built on conformity may indeed be distressing, worry not: There are literally millions of other people out there who feel the exact same way.
Cancer An attempt to sing your troubles away will ultimately fail. On the bright side, you'll soon have a hit novelty song about the setbacks of living with Huntington's disease on your hands.
Leo Your imagination will run wild this week when you attempt to deduce what lies beneath that outdoor-barbecue-with-accompanying-propane-tank-shaped tarp.
Virgo You can grow your beard as long as you like, but it's not going to change the fact that you often struggle with 19th-century Russian literature.
Libra You will refuse to comply with strict orders this week, standing firm against repeated commands to get funky.
Scorpio The stars, in their infinite wisdom, never tire of remarking upon just how few doors your job at the metal-hinge factory has opened for you.
Sagittarius Remember: It's not that you can't find happiness in life, it's that you won't find happiness in life.
Capricorn The Treasury Department's decision to phase out pennies from circulation will see you throwing nearly 40 dollars worth of change in your swear jar this week.
Aquarius Be prepared to shop till you drop when searching for an affordable supplier of heart medication this week.
Pisces While life may begin at conception, hours of painful exertion will reveal it to sometimes end at delivery.