• Your Birthday Today It's not important that you failed, or that they laughed at you, or even that you cried when they laughed at you. What's really important—what actually, truly matters—is how much louder and harder the laughter was when you cried.
  • Aries You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
  • Taurus While you admit you've made some mistakes in the past, the clockwork regularity and strangely detached manner in which you do so is really starting to freak people out.
  • Gemini You will reach for the stars this week, once again proving your complete inability to accurately judge distances.
  • Cancer The stakes will be raised this Thursday, moments before being repeatedly plunged by frightened townspeople into your chest.
  • Leo You will awake feeling relatively refreshed and comparatively invigorated after deciding to cry yourself to sleep at a more reasonable hour tonight.
  • Virgo What starts as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life will soon end as a desperate attempt to finally regain control of your life.
  • Libra Your mother claims she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret genetic-manipulation project gone terribly awry?
  • Scorpio There's a time and a place for everything, as you'll soon discover after falling into the rhinoceros pit during mating season.
  • Sagittarius Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
  • Capricorn Growing up, you always believed the house across the street belonged to an evil witch, but now that you're older, you realize that she was in fact only renting it.
  • Aquarius You will be saddened to learn that, in your case, mixing business with pleasure involves filling out the same quarterly spreadsheet report.
  • Pisces Fortune will smile upon you this week, only it'll do so in that shitty, passive-aggressive way Fortune has of smiling—you know the kind where you can tell it's just being polite, but that, really, it doesn't give a damn about how you're actually doing. Ugh, seriously, fuck Fortune.