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Your Birthday Today While you've always found the proverb to be insightful, you'll soon come to realize the more practical applications of not throwing stones in glass houses.

Aries Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you'll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.

Taurus Controversy will continue to follow you everywhere you go this week, a likely sign that it's time to untie the homosexual from your car's rear bumper.

Gemini While most everyone battles inner demons, you'll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.

Cancer Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.

Leo Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.

Virgo You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.

Libra You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week, when your hometown hosts its "Most Prolific Public Defecator" contest.

Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you'll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you've gone deaf.

Sagittarius Your family's never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.

Capricorn Just when you think you've endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.

Aquarius You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.

Pisces The stars will take immense pleasure in lording your foreseeable future over you this week.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...