Horoscope

02.28.07 | ISSUE 43•09

  • Your Birthday Today While you've always found the proverb to be insightful, you'll soon come to realize the more practical applications of not throwing stones in glass houses.
  • Aries Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you'll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.
  • Taurus Controversy will continue to follow you everywhere you go this week, a likely sign that it's time to untie the homosexual from your car's rear bumper.
  • Gemini While most everyone battles inner demons, you'll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.
  • Cancer Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.
  • Leo Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.
  • Virgo You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.
  • Libra You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week, when your hometown hosts its "Most Prolific Public Defecator" contest.
  • Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you'll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you've gone deaf.
  • Sagittarius Your family's never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.
  • Capricorn Just when you think you've endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.
  • Aquarius You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.
  • Pisces The stars will take immense pleasure in lording your foreseeable future over you this week.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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