• Your Birthday Today While you've always found the proverb to be insightful, you'll soon come to realize the more practical applications of not throwing stones in glass houses.
  • Aries Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you'll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.
  • Taurus Controversy will continue to follow you everywhere you go this week, a likely sign that it's time to untie the homosexual from your car's rear bumper.
  • Gemini While most everyone battles inner demons, you'll become one of the few ever to face supernatural creatures of the outer variety.
  • Cancer Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone, such as the capacity to reach conclusions not first presented to you through simple, pithy aphorisms.
  • Leo Like moths to a flame, so too will moths be drawn to your flame-engulfed corpse this Thursday.
  • Virgo You always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half double-fudge ice cream.
  • Libra You will finally turn a weakness into a strength this week, when your hometown hosts its "Most Prolific Public Defecator" contest.
  • Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, as you'll discover this week when doctors attempt to tell you that you've gone deaf.
  • Sagittarius Your family's never-ending cycle of domestic violence will come full circle this Friday when you beat the living shit out of your doddering great-grandfather.
  • Capricorn Just when you think you've endured the worst life has to offer, an omelet will arrive this week with only two distinct types of cheese.
  • Aquarius You'll find solace this week in the arms of an old friend—arms you'll pin down using a combination of brute force and the unflinching desperation that comes from a lifetime of loneliness.
  • Pisces The stars will take immense pleasure in lording your foreseeable future over you this week.