Your Birthday Today After days of grave and anxious discussion, the stars have decided that it's better you don't know.
Aries You've never been the type to contemplate suicide, a fact made painfully clear by the hurried, rather slapdash nature of your hanging this Thursday.
Taurus A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disastrous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
Gemini While truth may in fact be stranger than fiction, no one is the least bit interested in your personal adventures in babysitting.
Cancer Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
Leo Your dreams will be crushed tonight by the repeated strikes of a titanium crowbar against your skull.
Virgo Much to your dismay, you'll find your one true soulmate this week in an ordinary, perfectly inanimate desk lamp.
Libra Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
Scorpio Just when you think you'll never find the strength to go on, the virgin blood of a fragile waif will fuel you for another 200 years.
Sagittarius Sagittarius is hurt by allegations that it's been slipping product placements into weekly predictions—so hurt in fact that it may soon seek out the pain-relieving properties of Extra Strength Tylenol™.
Capricorn While you may have valor, resolve, and even vigor, what you don't have is a basic understanding of what those words actually mean.
Aquarius Your faith will be tested this week through a series of harrowing multiple-choice sacrifices, several short-answer-style moral decisions, and one page-length final essay on what it means to be devout.
Pisces Following decades of uncertainty, you'll finally realize this week that the one thing you want most from life is for it to end.