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Your Birthday Today Moments after accepting Jesus as your own personal savior, you'll be irritated to learn that He must be shared with the world's other 2.3 billion Christians.

Aries Your health will continue to decline due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.

Taurus You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.

Gemini It's been a long time since you were hit by a bus, a fact that will suddenly occur to every commercial-license-holding man and woman within 350 miles of your house.

Cancer You'll finally be scheduled for that heart transplant, but unfortunately you'll get that one surgeon who suffers from simultaneous narcolepsy, sleepwalking, and incredibly vivid dreams about attending pig roasts.

Leo You'll ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely due to it having grown hoarse and nearly inaudible over the years.

Virgo While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed from so close up.

Libra As hard as you may try, there are some things in life that just can't be explained without the help of a clear and concise PowerPoint presentation.

Scorpio The week will start off shaky for you, but as long as you remember to... If You'd Like To Read More Of This Horoscope, Please Send $10 COD to Scorpio, Helena, MT 59601.

Sagittarius You'll be forced to choose between all that life has to offer and few more minutes of sleep this week.

Capricorn Remember: It's not the size of the boat that matters, but whether or not it's equipped with fresh water, flare guns, shark repellent, and a copy of the Bible.

Aquarius You'll make a definite impression on the object of your desire this week when you carve a heart and your initials on the big tree in the park as well as on the surface of your eyes.

Pisces You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...