Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•13 Mar 28, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today Moments after accepting Jesus as your own personal savior, you'll be irritated to learn that He must be shared with the world's other 2.3 billion Christians.
  • Aries Your health will continue to decline due to your tendency to catch every little sniffle, cough, and axe that comes your way.
  • Taurus You thought the loss of your true love was the worst pain you could ever feel, but that was before you started vomiting up huge gouts of furious hornets.
  • Gemini It's been a long time since you were hit by a bus, a fact that will suddenly occur to every commercial-license-holding man and woman within 350 miles of your house.
  • Cancer You'll finally be scheduled for that heart transplant, but unfortunately you'll get that one surgeon who suffers from simultaneous narcolepsy, sleepwalking, and incredibly vivid dreams about attending pig roasts.
  • Leo You'll ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that's largely due to it having grown hoarse and nearly inaudible over the years.
  • Virgo While you'll incur the contempt of hundreds for killing a man at point-blank range, you would've likely earned the disdain of thousands more had you missed from so close up.
  • Libra As hard as you may try, there are some things in life that just can't be explained without the help of a clear and concise PowerPoint presentation.
  • Scorpio The week will start off shaky for you, but as long as you remember to... If You'd Like To Read More Of This Horoscope, Please Send $10 COD to Scorpio, Helena, MT 59601.
  • Sagittarius You'll be forced to choose between all that life has to offer and few more minutes of sleep this week.
  • Capricorn Remember: It's not the size of the boat that matters, but whether or not it's equipped with fresh water, flare guns, shark repellent, and a copy of the Bible.
  • Aquarius You'll make a definite impression on the object of your desire this week when you carve a heart and your initials on the big tree in the park as well as on the surface of your eyes.
  • Pisces You've never been one to toot your own horn, but that was before your girlfriend dumped you and the car accident dislocated your hips.