Your Birthday Today You'll finally get exactly the credit you deserve, sparking yet another of those interesting but meaningless conversations about why they give so many consecutive death penalties.
Aries Your boss' reputation as a savvy manager with a cruel sense of humor will convince everyone who reads his new business how-to book that giving you a perfunctory ball-punch is how men greet one another in the business world.
Taurus In relatively good news, your life's usual boredom, self doubt, loneliness, inner pain, and frustration will be cut by almost three-sevenths this week.
Gemini You'll be unsettled this week when the Emirate of Dubai builds an exact 88-story aluminum-and-glass replica of your head, and deeply troubled when you realize it's paired with an exact 68-story steel-and-glass replica of the gun in your desk drawer.
Cancer It will take six men to get the look off the camel's face following your birthday party, although no one's sure why since the camel wasn't at the party, doesn't have an unusual look on its face, and the six men aren't known to work with camels.
Leo Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."
Virgo You'll die from an accidental overdose of hormones that causes every muscle in your body to flex uncontrollably, become rigid, and eventually rupture after the 911 operator repeatedly hangs up on you for saying you're as "hard and straight as a bar of iron and ready to pop at any second."
Libra The other residents of Texas could forgive your "messing with" habit, but not combined with your total silence on the issue of which vehicles you'd prefer to push rather than driving other vehicles.
Scorpio Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
Sagittarius You've heard a lot of people say that having kids isn't easy, but as far as you can tell, the man's dingle just goes into the lady's hoo-hah.
Capricorn Although they do indeed say "if something's too good to be true, it probably is," the reverse is not automatically the case. Stop telling people Remington Steele was a real guy.
Aquarius You'll be forced to withdraw your workplace sexual harassment lawsuit against your employer, Carnivore Stables LLC, when your boss demonstrates the fully functional life-sized pony constructed from USDA Grade-A bologna that he was asking you to test-ride.
Pisces Your week will be indistinguishable from last week in every detail but one, but that's just a minor color and texture change you probably won't even notice.