Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•17 Apr 25, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today You've always believed there are two kinds of people in this world: normal everyday people, and the ones in the blood-spattered yellow raincoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment.
  • Aries Once again you'll wind up with the kind of ambulance driver who thinks he can blow the flames out if he just drives fast enough.
  • Taurus Quit insisting that if you could walk that way you wouldn't need the cornstarch. You know you'd need the damn cornstarch anyway.
  • Gemini The good news is that the lumpy mass in your pancreas doesn't seem to be cancer. The bad news is that almost everything else inside you does.
  • Cancer The stars waited a long time just to be sure, but it looks as though you were in fact wrong about e-mail being the CB radio of the '90s.
  • Leo Although you're relieved psychologists cured you of the delusion that you're a chicken, you're dreading returning home to find all those "eggs" you remember laying.
  • Virgo You were told that getting a puppy would help you meet girls, but they still don't seem to want to approach you, no matter how cute the little guy looks inside your translucent thorax.
  • Libra What you thought was a flippant remark will lead you directly to the 17 people you have to blow to get a drink around here.
  • Scorpio You have no idea who the hell this Orwell guy was, but he sure screwed up when he didn't fill up that farm with hilarious monkeys.
  • Sagittarius If there's anything better than working 50 hours a week in an air-conditioner filter plant, you don't want to know what it is, because hey, that's all you're ever going to do and you'd hate to be dissatisfied.
  • Capricorn People tell you to follow your dreams, but lately they've been going to some really bad neighborhoods in the middle of the night and getting mixed up with some pretty unsavory characters.
  • Aquarius A much-needed change of scenery is in store for you this week when wildfires sweep through your area, charring everything visible from your cell's tiny window.
  • Pisces You're the kind of person who can find something positive in anyone. Then again, you're also the kind of person who finds pain hilarious, so it's not that hard for you.