Your Horoscope

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Your Birthday Today You've always believed there are two kinds of people in this world: normal everyday people, and the ones in the blood-spattered yellow raincoats who stay out of sight, waiting for just the right moment.

Aries Once again you'll wind up with the kind of ambulance driver who thinks he can blow the flames out if he just drives fast enough.

Taurus Quit insisting that if you could walk that way you wouldn't need the cornstarch. You know you'd need the damn cornstarch anyway.

Gemini The good news is that the lumpy mass in your pancreas doesn't seem to be cancer. The bad news is that almost everything else inside you does.

Cancer The stars waited a long time just to be sure, but it looks as though you were in fact wrong about e-mail being the CB radio of the '90s.

Leo Although you're relieved psychologists cured you of the delusion that you're a chicken, you're dreading returning home to find all those "eggs" you remember laying.

Virgo You were told that getting a puppy would help you meet girls, but they still don't seem to want to approach you, no matter how cute the little guy looks inside your translucent thorax.

Libra What you thought was a flippant remark will lead you directly to the 17 people you have to blow to get a drink around here.

Scorpio You have no idea who the hell this Orwell guy was, but he sure screwed up when he didn't fill up that farm with hilarious monkeys.

Sagittarius If there's anything better than working 50 hours a week in an air-conditioner filter plant, you don't want to know what it is, because hey, that's all you're ever going to do and you'd hate to be dissatisfied.

Capricorn People tell you to follow your dreams, but lately they've been going to some really bad neighborhoods in the middle of the night and getting mixed up with some pretty unsavory characters.

Aquarius A much-needed change of scenery is in store for you this week when wildfires sweep through your area, charring everything visible from your cell's tiny window.

Pisces You're the kind of person who can find something positive in anyone. Then again, you're also the kind of person who finds pain hilarious, so it's not that hard for you.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

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March 13, 2012

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