Your Birthday Today Remember not to tell your birthday wish to anyone after blowing out the cake's candles tonight or it won't come true. Although, truth be told, there's very little medical science can do for your mother at this stage in the game.
Aries Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
Taurus It may have been a unique way to propose marriage, but you wish that your husband would simply pick up the phone and call you, rather than renting the Jumbotron every time he has something to say.
Gemini You’ve been struck by Cupid’s magical arrow before, but you and dozens of others will be unprepared for his use of an enchanted Gatling gun.
Cancer Remember: Only by eliminating feelings of jealousy and competition can you become as happy and healthy a person as that smug bitch Rebecca.
Leo You've slaved away for months to design your own fashion line, but it's your boyfriend who will make a splash with his insouciantly tucked-in turtlenecks.
Virgo An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
Libra Your real name will eventually be forgotten, but you will enter the American folk mythos as The Woman With Great Hair Who Still Couldn't Keep A Man.
Scorpio The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
Sagittarius Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
Capricorn Northerly winds will whisper the name of a former love in your ear, ruthlessly mocking you for having had a relationship with someone called "Ooooouuuuussssshhhhhh."
Aquarius While your claims of being a self-made woman are valid, everyone's still a little distracted by all the purplish-black scars and amateurish stitching.
Pisces Perhaps the color and positions of the stains on your boyfriend's mattress can offer a clue as to how he earned the money he's stuffed inside it.