Your Birthday Today Try and resist the feeling that your birthday is but a special commemoration of your progress toward the grave. It's not that special.
Aries Your drinking is beginning to drive your friends and loved ones away from you, making you wish you'd thought of it much earlier.
Taurus It's useless to sit at home and wish that a crazed masked murderer would take a welding torch and slaughter your town's sexually active teens when you own a perfectly good welder's torch yourself.
Gemini You finally seem to be cured of your blatantly self-destructive tendencies, but you can't shake the feeling that two legs are twice as many as a person really needs.
Cancer You've thought about trying online dating, but you can't help noticing that the Personal Of The Day is always the same person, who, despite being attractive and interesting, somehow still can't get a date.
Leo You'll be unsure exactly what to do when that one girl who always wins the lottery and knows who's going to win all the baseball games tells you she's worried about radiation.
Virgo The tension will mount slowly over the next few days as the needle touching the surface of your eyeball begins to press slowly but inexorably harder.
Libra You can never remember if, when meeting new business associates, you're supposed to give your name and shake hands firmly while looking them in the eye, or break their collarbones with the edge of your hand and run away to study woodworking in New Hampshire under an assumed name.
Scorpio Your career as a professional gold-digger gets off to a bad start when the construction workers you're attracted to are found to lack diggable gold.
Sagittarius You'll be wandering the streets, lost in thought, pondering the missing factors in your million-dollar plan, when suddenly it will hit you: the cross-town A63 express bus.
Capricorn You've tried analyzing them through mass spectrometry, centrifuging them to separate their component elements, and searching everywhere inside them, but you still just don't understand women.
Aquarius You'll take a long night journey over water accompanied by a dark stranger while starting new projects both at work and in your love life after every star in the sky somehow winds up in your sign this week.
Pisces The nation's leading cosmetic, pharmaceutical, and helmet-testing technicians will all take a moment this week to wonder what they did before they captured you.