Horoscope

05.23.07 | ISSUE 43•21

  • Your Birthday Today Neighbors will continue to complain about your horse-training technique until your thoroughbreds stop making such a racket when they run full-tilt into the Invisible Fence.
  • Aries The presence of a "push" sign on a door that obviously must be pulled in order to open will give you overwhelming insight into the futile and picaresque nature of the human experience.
  • Taurus You consider yourself an enlightened and compassionate citizen of the world, but you still bust out laughing every time that South Asian on the TV yells "No bingo!"
  • Gemini Recent changes to the Cosmic Transportation Authority Code mean the mystic Path to Happiness will now run through the pain center of your brain. Luckily, almost no one ever travels it.
  • Cancer You'll again fail to see the world through the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing through them doesn't really work like that.
  • Leo Consumer Reports loved your generous size, high capacity, and ease of operation, but was forced to rate you lower for your high fuel consumption and low resistance to fire and acid.
  • Virgo While you're aware that people enjoy watching you get hit by buses, you're still surprised that so many are spending $54.95 to sign up for next Sunday's pay-per-view accident.
  • Libra This would be a good week to make big plans at work if it weren't for the fact that last week was a good week to be fired for no reason after 15 years at the same company.
  • Scorpio You'll inspire disbelief, jealousy, and not a little hatred when you, rather than Puerto Rico, are named as America's 51st state.
  • Sagittarius Unfortunately, this is not in fact your horoscope but a nefarious form of demonic sorcery. Do not read it lest you wish to unleash horrors and abominations unspeakable.
  • Capricorn You'll finally achieve that race victory that's been eluding you for so long, although it'll take a few days for the welts to heal where the jockey whipped you on the home stretch.
  • Aquarius Although you keep insisting that print is dead, it doesn't seem to have hurt your ability to find newspapers to cover yourself with while sleeping on park benches.
  • Pisces Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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