Your Birthday Today The secret love you've pined for from afar for so long will appear to you in a dream and say, "Ha ha, you gutless simp: This is just a dream!"
Aries Benevolent gods will finally take pity on you and reward you for your suffering, but unfortunately they're the gods of corn and lima beans and as such, reward you in succotash.
Taurus Because of your unhealthy relationship with public transportation, counselors will spend months trying to convince you that the bus does not hit you because it loves you.
Gemini Your arduous quest for self-improvement will hit yet another snag this week when you admit you have a crush on Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Cancer Saturn will enter your sign this week just as the cute new employee in accounting is about to ask you out, ruining your chances for happiness forever.
Leo Your inability to heed a single piece of celestial advice has driven the stars in your sign to become gamma-ray bursters. Your fear of commitment is now responsible for the radiation deaths of three trillion aliens in seven systems.
Virgo You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
Libra You are a fool if you do not consider purchasing the stars' low-mileage 1999 Oldsmobile Alero, featuring a clean interior, six-CD changer, new tires, and a recent service, all for just $3,600.
Scorpio Love means different things to different people, but you're the only one for whom it means that to every w-consistent class K of formula there correspond recursive class-sign r (on free var. v), such that neither (v Gen r) nor ~(v Gen r) belong to Flg (K).
Sagittarius At the risk of sounding too forward, and with full knowledge they are acting outside their purview, the General Mills board of directors is of the opinion that a navy blue sports coat looks great on anyone.
Capricorn You think of yourself as the kind of person who hungers for all the knowledge and new experiences life has to offer, but actually you usually fill up on the free salad and breadsticks.
Aquarius After the fire at your place, investigators won't want to question you so much about smoking in bed or the grow lights in the closet but about the stacks and stacks of bridal magazines.
Pisces Although the editors at Penguin have received your letters and are sorry you do not "get" Milton, they will refuse to make any of your 3,264 suggested changes to Paradise Lost.