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Your Birthday Today You'll reach an important milestone in your life when, after a few too many Cosmos at your birthday party, you'll drive at full speed into one of your town's quaint milestones.

Aries Though the doctors have found a donor and are willing to perform the operation, you should really ask yourself how many more livers you actually need.

Taurus Judging by the speed of the approaching asteroid swarm, it is not a good time to go forward with new plans in your career.

Gemini Your utter lack of appeal to the opposite sex will save you from the Black Widow Killer, but it won't keep you out of the clutches of the Utter Lack of Appeal to the Opposite Sex Slasher.

Cancer You'll finally find love, happiness, and meaning in life, but unfortunately only by partnering with an inspiring field-goal-kicking golden retriever.

Leo Your life has reached a state of inertia, due primarily to the fact that you've spent most of it waiting for the next truly great ice cream flavor to come along.

Virgo You'll finally clear up your years-long nightmare of health care paperwork and insurance confusion when you realize that heroin is available without a prescription.

Libra The current political climate will continue to make it difficult for you to enjoy your hobby of packing trucks with explosives, driving them to government buildings, and masturbating yourself senseless behind the wheel.

Scorpio People say there's nothing wrong with you a little exercise won't cure, but only because they know physical strain will burst your flabby heart like a balloon.

Sagittarius You're beginning to suspect that people may have hidden, personal motives for asking you to give them all your money.

Capricorn You'd much rather have people fear you than love you, which may be a problem since you are an adorable 3-week-old tiger-striped kitten.

Aquarius Although you really want the 16-ounce tenderloin with peppercorn sauce and a side of gorgonzola mashed potatoes, you'll ultimately settle for the spinach salad without dressing.

Pisces Many of your problems forging strong interpersonal relationships will be solved when you discover a commercially available cleaning product that, when applied to your body along with hot water, provides many benefits.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

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November 8, 2011

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