• Your Birthday Today This is an important birthday for you, especially considering how very, very few of them you've got left.
  • Aries The kinder stars have decreed that you shall be wealthy and happy. Unfortunately, the far more numerous malevolent stars have decided to send an out-of-control bus screaming toward you.
  • Taurus The AMA can say whatever it wants about accidents, but you're still not convinced that a surgeon could leave so many scalpels, magazine subscription cards, and cigarette butts in your abdomen by mistake.
  • Gemini Your long uphill battle for self-improvement will founder once again when you find yourself thinking that some reality television shows are actually pretty good.
  • Cancer You've never really been concerned with the plight of the giant panda, but that was before you found out about panda porn.
  • Leo Authorities investigating the high teen suicide rate in your area will finally put two and two together and ask you to stop attending high-school career days.
  • Virgo Love means something different to everyone, but you immediately come to mind whenever polite indifference is mentioned.
  • Libra You cannot fathom the mysteries of the human heart, so just sit back and enjoy their chewy texture and meaty savor.
  • Scorpio Satan's not sure where you got such a dramatic picture of Hell, but if you don't get an apron on and sell that eight-top some hot wings tout de suite, he'll bust you down to infernal dishwasher.
  • Sagittarius You'll find it surprisingly difficult to tell your parents that you're gay, especially considering that it's just part of a scheme to give them heart attacks and collect their life insurance.
  • Capricorn Your place is becoming the central gathering spot for everyone in the neighborhood to just hang out and do whatever, which would be nice if you actually knew any of these people.
  • Aquarius After he's finally finished, the new, re-imagined Smokey the Bear will hang your gnawed rib cage from his Tree of One Thousand Bones as a reminder that only you can prevent the horror that is forest fire.
  • Pisces You always hate it when shows end with a big musical number, so you'll probably be pretty disappointed with what happens to the universe on Wednesday.