Your Birthday Today You'll be swarmed by a rare strain of Americanized killer bees who, unlike their Africanized cousins, just want to hang out and watch TV all day.
Aries In a stirring display of national unity next week, you and 2 million other participants will join hands to form an unbroken chain across the Mexican-American border.
Taurus Despite your claims of historical importance and the need to remember America's fallen heroes, the authorities continue to refuse to grant you the permits required by your avid group of drug-war re-enacters.
Gemini You would in fact leave for Canada right this minute if it didn't mean leaving the only nation on earth with the vision to teach squirrels to water-ski.
Cancer Americans are tired of politics as usual but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
Leo It really won't do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
Virgo The government has spent thousands of dollars training you to be a highly efficient killing machine, so please try and act like one from now on.
Libra You will be held accountable for the needless death of thousands of Americans just days after composing an irresistably catchy jingle about the rewards of suicide.
Scorpio Stop telling people you have "a unique vision for America." Many producers of big-time Hollywood musicals had the same unique vision before you did.
Sagittarius A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
Capricorn You'll be prevented from joining the Army's elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair, given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.
Aquarius Your most cherished dream will die this week, which would be tragic if it weren't to float around in a Texas-shaped pool filled with beer.
Pisces You'll have a hard time convincing the Treasury Department that you weren't attempting to counterfeit $20 bills, but simply trying to suggest some very minor changes.