Your Birthday Today There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and when an enormous man catches a ball.
Aries You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
Taurus When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
Gemini You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
Cancer You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
Leo Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Virgo The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
Libra An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
Scorpio Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
Sagittarius Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
Capricorn Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
Aquarius You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
Pisces A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.
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