Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•28 Jul 10, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and when an enormous man catches a ball.
  • Aries You may say there's nothing wrong with you that a week in the Bahamas won't cure, but the stars recommend you get the chemotherapy.
  • Taurus When people think of all the ways picnics are ruined, it's rare that they come up with even half of the weird shit you've pulled.
  • Gemini You will raise procrastination to an art form, providing dozens of industrious critics with a new livelihood.
  • Cancer You've made it clear that you're a self-made man, and that no one can tell you how to live, but sometimes you think it might be nice to live indoors and eat people food.
  • Leo Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
  • Virgo The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
  • Libra An Arkansas vacation-planning kit will soon arrive in your mailbox, even though you didn't request one, aren't planning a vacation, and, like most people, hate Arkansas.
  • Scorpio Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.
  • Sagittarius Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.
  • Capricorn Climbing the highest mountain and swimming the deepest ocean are fine, but you don't see why you need to eat the largest rib roast to win her love.
  • Aquarius You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.
  • Pisces A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.