• Your Birthday Today It's finally time for you to move on and put childish things behind you, at least according to a new privately funded study on breast-feeding.
  • Aries As your fame grows, you'll soon have to account for your failure to take a stand during the long-running pirates vs. ninjas debate.
  • Taurus You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.
  • Gemini Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff.
  • Cancer Don't let your disdain for cliché stop you from taking heed this week when, in a world where right and wrong seem to have lost all meaning, a prostitute with a heart of gold points behind you and yells, "Look out!"
  • Leo While nothing in this world is more precious than the love of a child, the stars urge you to remember that commodities retain their value much more consistently in the long run.
  • Virgo Thanks to your foresight in buying a hybrid, you'll be the first person in your state to not only be cut by glass and burned by gasoline, but also be electrocuted, when your car is hit by a bus.
  • Libra Throwing your panties at Tom Jones isn't that unusual, but most people do it during concerts.
  • Scorpio You'll decide to stop working for positive change in the world after you realize the media is reporting all of your efforts in the "News of the Weird" section.
  • Sagittarius All you wanted from life was to have close friends, a loving husband, and a little place of your own, but it seems the raccoons have other plans.
  • Capricorn You thought you'd found a way that to show your pain while inspiring sympathy from everyone, but you forgot about the guy who has to hose you off the sidewalk.
  • Aquarius While it's true Ernest Hemingway had some worthwhile things to say about grace under pressure, keep in mind that he also liked to get drunk and take his fishing boat out hunting for submarines.
  • Pisces Trained heart surgeons will patiently point out the fallacy implicit in your belief that there's no such thing as a loser in a bacon-eating contest.