Horoscope

07.17.07 | ISSUE 43•29

  • Your Birthday Today It's finally time for you to move on and put childish things behind you, at least according to a new privately funded study on breast-feeding.
  • Aries As your fame grows, you'll soon have to account for your failure to take a stand during the long-running pirates vs. ninjas debate.
  • Taurus You've never given much thought to prosthetics before, but by the end of the week you'll be an expert on all the leading brands and be ready to make your first of several big purchases.
  • Gemini Although you're well aware that common turpentine will remove most of the old finish on that heirloom bookcase, you can't stop yourself from drinking can after can of the delicious stuff.
  • Cancer Don't let your disdain for cliché stop you from taking heed this week when, in a world where right and wrong seem to have lost all meaning, a prostitute with a heart of gold points behind you and yells, "Look out!"
  • Leo While nothing in this world is more precious than the love of a child, the stars urge you to remember that commodities retain their value much more consistently in the long run.
  • Virgo Thanks to your foresight in buying a hybrid, you'll be the first person in your state to not only be cut by glass and burned by gasoline, but also be electrocuted, when your car is hit by a bus.
  • Libra Throwing your panties at Tom Jones isn't that unusual, but most people do it during concerts.
  • Scorpio You'll decide to stop working for positive change in the world after you realize the media is reporting all of your efforts in the "News of the Weird" section.
  • Sagittarius All you wanted from life was to have close friends, a loving husband, and a little place of your own, but it seems the raccoons have other plans.
  • Capricorn You thought you'd found a way that to show your pain while inspiring sympathy from everyone, but you forgot about the guy who has to hose you off the sidewalk.
  • Aquarius While it's true Ernest Hemingway had some worthwhile things to say about grace under pressure, keep in mind that he also liked to get drunk and take his fishing boat out hunting for submarines.
  • Pisces Trained heart surgeons will patiently point out the fallacy implicit in your belief that there's no such thing as a loser in a bacon-eating contest.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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