Horoscope

07.24.07 | ISSUE 43•30

  • Your Birthday Today You've often said that you'd trade everything in your life for another chance at happiness. Sadly, few have expressed interest in your complete collection of Doctor Who figurines thus far.
  • Aries Although you believe that everyone is entitled to his own opinion, sometimes you wish that doctors would keep what they think to themselves.
  • Taurus Remember: Whoever said that "money isn't everything" was probably being paid to write proverbs for a living.
  • Gemini Avoid making any important decisions this week, as the tumor lodged inside your brain will make it difficult for you to think clearly.
  • Cancer A rampaging mob of torch-wielding villagers will gather at your door this week after learning what a monster you are on the inside.
  • Leo Passion will enter your life this week, stop momentarily to regain its bearings, curse two to three times underneath its breath, and slowly inch its way back out the door.
  • Virgo Second-guessing yourself this week will only lead to more problems. Or will it? Yeah, it probably will.
  • Libra They say that time heals all wounds. Try to keep that in mind as you lie clutching your midsection in that abandoned warehouse this week.
  • Scorpio While it's impossible to imagine what life would be like without your children, you'd love to have an hour to yourself in order to try.
  • Sagittarius Love is in the air this week...or wait, no—that's a pigeon. Sorry, the stars always seem to get those two things confused.
  • Capricorn While you've often wondered what it'd be like to attend your own funeral, claw marks on the inside of your coffin will soon reveal it to be a rather terrifying experience.
  • Aquarius You'll try to obey orders by murdering a bus full of schoolchildren this week, only to realize that the dog just wanted to be taken out for a walk.
  • Pisces You will learn the true meaning of friendship this week when a coworker surprises you with a copy of Webster's Dictionary for your birthday.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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