Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•31 Jul 31, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today Long gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for this to actually be the case.
  • Aries Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week, which will lead to difficulty telling right from left.
  • Taurus Perhaps it's your fault for having expected too much of fame, but as the holder of the Guinness World Record for shortest living man, you thought you'd at least be up to your neck in pussy.
  • Gemini You've never been the sort to pat yourself on the back, but that was before you had a piece of steak lodged in your windpipe.
  • Cancer It's true that your talents and interests make you unique; however, some of the credit should go to your mother for ingesting the thalidomide.
  • Leo Your belief that humanity is growing too dependent on machines will finally be put to rest next week, when after three days of careful deliberation, family members decide to take you off the respirator.
  • Virgo Misguided by the success of Orson Welles' groundbreaking, all-black production of Macbeth, you will be humiliated this week after the scathing reviews of your all-black production of Othello come in.
  • Libra You'll cry yourself to sleep yet again tonight, much to the envy of insomniacs across the country.
  • Scorpio A séance organized this week in an effort to bring comfort to a grieving friend will end in tragedy when the spirit of her deceased husband fails to understand why you two are holding hands.
  • Sagittarius You will feel let down by the historical inaccuracies at a nearby medieval-themed restaurant until you pay a visit to its bathroom.
  • Capricorn Regular bouts of morning sickness will continue unabated next week, a surprising occurrence considering the abortion.
  • Aquarius Your longtime wish for a better poker face will finally be granted this week; unfortunately, you'll lack the mental capacity required to play poker after the stroke.
  • Pisces There's nothing holding you back from achieving your wildest dreams, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that stronger and more restrictive gun laws are badly needed.