Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•33 Aug 14, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today Everything that you love and hold dear will soon be lost when a tray of peanut butter cookies is accidentally dropped on the ground.
  • Aries Don't be afraid to take risks and try new and unpredictable things this week. Instead, be very afraid.
  • Taurus You'll finally get the recognition you deserve, when some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Malicious Sarcasm honor you this week.
  • Gemini The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
  • Cancer Sometimes in life you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward, unless of course you have enough self-respect to stop line dancing.
  • Leo A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Continue starving yourself until your psychotic obsession to be thin is resolved.
  • Virgo Your world-weary pessimism will only increase this week when you suddenly go from seeing the glass half empty to seeing no glass at all.
  • Libra A forbidden office romance will soon take you by storm, leaving the Xerox Corporation scrambling to create a less sleek and attractive looking copier.
  • Scorpio Listen to you body this week—it may be trying to tell you something. Such as, "Please! For the love of God and everything that's good! Put me back together!"
  • Sagittarius Before you file that toothbrush down into a makeshift shiv, ask yourself what's more important: To be free again in the world, or to maintain good dental hygiene?
  • Capricorn A spiritually fulfilling encounter will instead leave you feeling empty and alone this week when you find Jesus lying face down in a ditch.
  • Aquarius Remember: Too many cooks spoil the broth, or as the 200-member International Adage Council recently put it, "A lot of chefs taint the consommé."
  • Pisces While you've long thought of yourself as a tolerant individual, the sight of someone whose skin is not the same color as yours will soon bring the belief into question.