Your Birthday Today Everything that you love and hold dear will soon be lost when a tray of peanut butter cookies is accidentally dropped on the ground.
Aries Don't be afraid to take risks and try new and unpredictable things this week. Instead, be very afraid.
Taurus You'll finally get the recognition you deserve, when some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Malicious Sarcasm honor you this week.
Gemini The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.
Cancer Sometimes in life you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward, unless of course you have enough self-respect to stop line dancing.
Leo A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Continue starving yourself until your psychotic obsession to be thin is resolved.
Virgo Your world-weary pessimism will only increase this week when you suddenly go from seeing the glass half empty to seeing no glass at all.
Libra A forbidden office romance will soon take you by storm, leaving the Xerox Corporation scrambling to create a less sleek and attractive looking copier.
Scorpio Listen to you body this week—it may be trying to tell you something. Such as, "Please! For the love of God and everything that's good! Put me back together!"
Sagittarius Before you file that toothbrush down into a makeshift shiv, ask yourself what's more important: To be free again in the world, or to maintain good dental hygiene?
Capricorn A spiritually fulfilling encounter will instead leave you feeling empty and alone this week when you find Jesus lying face down in a ditch.
Aquarius Remember: Too many cooks spoil the broth, or as the 200-member International Adage Council recently put it, "A lot of chefs taint the consommé."
Pisces While you've long thought of yourself as a tolerant individual, the sight of someone whose skin is not the same color as yours will soon bring the belief into question.
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