Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Einstein 'Just That Stupid'
- Iran Worried
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Last Updated 10:43 AM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today Everything that you love and hold dear will soon be lost when a tray of peanut butter cookies is accidentally dropped on the ground.

Aries Don't be afraid to take risks and try new and unpredictable things this week. Instead, be very afraid.

Taurus You'll finally get the recognition you deserve, when some of the best and brightest minds in the field of Malicious Sarcasm honor you this week.

Gemini The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Cancer Sometimes in life you have to take one step back in order to take two steps forward, unless of course you have enough self-respect to stop line dancing.

Leo A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Continue starving yourself until your psychotic obsession to be thin is resolved.

Virgo Your world-weary pessimism will only increase this week when you suddenly go from seeing the glass half empty to seeing no glass at all.

Libra A forbidden office romance will soon take you by storm, leaving the Xerox Corporation scrambling to create a less sleek and attractive looking copier.

Scorpio Listen to you body this week—it may be trying to tell you something. Such as, "Please! For the love of God and everything that's good! Put me back together!"

Sagittarius Before you file that toothbrush down into a makeshift shiv, ask yourself what's more important: To be free again in the world, or to maintain good dental hygiene?

Capricorn A spiritually fulfilling encounter will instead leave you feeling empty and alone this week when you find Jesus lying face down in a ditch.

Aquarius Remember: Too many cooks spoil the broth, or as the 200-member International Adage Council recently put it, "A lot of chefs taint the consommé."

Pisces While you've long thought of yourself as a tolerant individual, the sight of someone whose skin is not the same color as yours will soon bring the belief into question.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (August 7, 2007)
Your Horoscope » (August 21, 2007)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...