Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•35 Aug 28, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within oneself, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
  • Aries The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Taurus You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
  • Gemini Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Cancer You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Leo As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Virgo You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Libra The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Scorpio Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
  • Sagittarius A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Capricorn You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Aquarius Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
  • Pisces You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.