Horoscope

08.28.07 | ISSUE 43•35

  • Your Birthday Today While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within oneself, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
  • Aries The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Taurus You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
  • Gemini Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Cancer You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Leo As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Virgo You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Libra The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Scorpio Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
  • Sagittarius A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Capricorn You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Aquarius Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
  • Pisces You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • May 22, 2012

      Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...

    • May 15, 2012

      Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...

    • May 8, 2012

      Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...

    • May 1, 2012

      Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...

    • April 24, 2012

      Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...

    • April 17, 2012

      Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...

    • March 27, 2012

      Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...

    • March 20, 2012

      Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...

    • March 13, 2012

      Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...

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