Horoscope

08.28.07 | ISSUE 43•35

  • Your Birthday Today While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within oneself, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.
  • Aries The results of next week's medical exam will send a chill up your spine, or at least they would, were you able to feel anything from the neck down.
  • Taurus You've always claimed to like a good mystery, but that was before they found your son's body floating in the ravine.
  • Gemini Sure, they may all be laughing at you now, but pretty soon they'll have to stop in order to catch their breath.
  • Cancer You're not the type of person who easily believes in conspiracy theories, but the premise that 12 Jewish bakers control all of the world's bagels actually seems pretty plausible.
  • Leo As convenient as it may be, it's time you started taking some responsibility for the mess you've created instead of always blaming everything on the law of entropy.
  • Virgo You're no music expert, but the shadow growing around your feet looks like that of a concert grand piano.
  • Libra The rapid deterioration of your sight will suddenly stop this week, leading you to fall to your knees and thank Jesus inside a nearby synagogue.
  • Scorpio Your daughter's attention-seeking rendition of "I'm a Little Teapot" will backfire this week when it suddenly dawns on you that you'd much rather have a teapot than a daughter.
  • Sagittarius A passionate and intelligent debate over semantics this week will unfortunately get bogged down by pragmatics.
  • Capricorn You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places—or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.
  • Aquarius Years of backbreaking work and dedication will finally pay off this Thursday when you suddenly realize the utter futility of trying.
  • Pisces You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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