• Your Birthday Today The arrival of a new child will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly understand. But then, you don't specialize in rare skeletal birth defects.
  • Aries You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
  • Taurus By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
  • Gemini Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
  • Cancer Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
  • Leo While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
  • Virgo A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
  • Libra You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Scorpio It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
  • Sagittarius You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
  • Capricorn Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
  • Aquarius While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
  • Pisces You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.