Your Birthday Today The arrival of a new child will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly understand. But then, you don't specialize in rare skeletal birth defects.
Aries You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
Taurus By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.
Gemini Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.
Cancer Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.
Leo While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.
Virgo A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.
Libra You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
Scorpio It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.
Sagittarius You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.
Capricorn Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.
Aquarius While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.
Pisces You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.
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