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Your Birthday Today The arrival of a new child will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly understand. But then, you don't specialize in rare skeletal birth defects.

Aries You'll be struck by a painful realization this Thursday concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.

Taurus By the time you get around to reading the rest of this week's horoscope, procrastination will already have gotten the best of you.

Gemini Like waves crashing against a rocky shore, so too will your drowned corpse crash repeatedly against a rocky shore.

Cancer Your love of all living creatures will be on display this week when you open the world's first Animal Rescue Steakhouse.

Leo While you've always considered yourself too proud to pay for sex, the stars alone know you're not too proud to pray for it.

Virgo A bizarre chain of existential mishaps will result in your third viewing of the hit romantic comedy Sleepless in Seattle this week.

Libra You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.

Scorpio It could have been worse. You could have accidentally set 28 innocent schoolchildren on fire.

Sagittarius You have a smile that can light up a room. Sadly, you'll be too depressed next Tuesday to do anything about the electric company shutting off your power.

Capricorn Remember: It takes a big man to admit he's made a mistake. And an even bigger, more insecure woman to admit that—despite the prospect of future infidelities—he might be the best she can do.

Aquarius While you've often looked to the stars for guidance, a fashion dilemma this week will prove too difficult for even Kate Hudson to handle.

Pisces You will finally land your dream job this week, an ironic achievement considering how little you'll be sleeping from now on.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (September 11, 2007)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...