Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Manning Retirement
- GOP Mystery Candidate
- Last Updated 9:00 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today Although not normally the superstitious type, you will still fear the worst today when a black man crosses your path.

Aries You will have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at near supersonic speed.

Taurus While there may never be a good time to lose a parent, the middle of your third trimester is probably the worst.

Gemini Agony and torment will soon be yours when a pack of wild dogs aggravate your dander allergy.

Cancer Sadly, the coming week will end for you much as it started: on Monday.

Leo Paranoid fears that the entire world is out to get you will be proven false this week when only the FBI, the CIA, seven state police departments, and an international task force agency are found to be on your trail.

Virgo The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don't be embarrassed: Nine-year-olds are allowed to make mistakes.

Libra While hard and fast rules are oftentimes overly simplistic and flawed, you cannot argue with the logic that whoever smelt it most likely also dealt it.

Scorpio A seemingly average morning will quickly turn terrifying when you can't remember getting into a pool of your own blood the night before.

Sagittarius Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person's heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed ax blow.

Capricorn By hook or by crook, you will crotchet yourself a matching scarf and hat this winter.

Aquarius You will finally gain the respect of your peers this Thursday after hours spent begging for it on your hands and knees.

Pisces Looking back now, it's easy to see that hindsight is 20/20.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (September 4, 2007)
Your Horoscope » (September 18, 2007)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...