• Your Birthday Today Although not normally the superstitious type, you will still fear the worst today when a black man crosses your path.
  • Aries You will have your mind blown this week by nothing more than a shotgun slug traveling at near supersonic speed.
  • Taurus While there may never be a good time to lose a parent, the middle of your third trimester is probably the worst.
  • Gemini Agony and torment will soon be yours when a pack of wild dogs aggravate your dander allergy.
  • Cancer Sadly, the coming week will end for you much as it started: on Monday.
  • Leo Paranoid fears that the entire world is out to get you will be proven false this week when only the FBI, the CIA, seven state police departments, and an international task force agency are found to be on your trail.
  • Virgo The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don't be embarrassed: Nine-year-olds are allowed to make mistakes.
  • Libra While hard and fast rules are oftentimes overly simplistic and flawed, you cannot argue with the logic that whoever smelt it most likely also dealt it.
  • Scorpio A seemingly average morning will quickly turn terrifying when you can't remember getting into a pool of your own blood the night before.
  • Sagittarius Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person's heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed ax blow.
  • Capricorn By hook or by crook, you will crotchet yourself a matching scarf and hat this winter.
  • Aquarius You will finally gain the respect of your peers this Thursday after hours spent begging for it on your hands and knees.
  • Pisces Looking back now, it's easy to see that hindsight is 20/20.