Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•38 Sep 18, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today The position of the moon, along with neighboring stars and outlying planets, can only mean one thing for Virgo today: Your gullibility will continue unabated.
  • Aries A secret admirer will leave you an unexpected note this Thursday, tempting you with both his heartfelt prose and impressive lock- picking skills.
  • Taurus Don't bother trying to describe the merciless beating you will soon receive at the hands of a crowbar-wielding psychopath. The look on your face will say it all.
  • Gemini Your love for women of all shapes and sizes will only grow this week when you fail to completely blow up that inflatable doll.
  • Cancer A wise man once said, "The cave you fear to enter often holds the treasure you seek." But then, it's more the way he said it than anything else.
  • Leo Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous when a riptide drags you underwater this week.
  • Virgo Friends and family members have often compared you to a china doll, but the resemblance will be uncanny next week when your limbs are broken and your head is pulled from its socket.
  • Libra They say it takes a thief to spot a thief, which may explain why you're so good at picking out people who receive sexual pleasure from being urinated on.
  • Scorpio Remember: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and the whole world laughs at you.
  • Sagittarius Your unwavering faith in a supreme, all-knowing being that controls the universe will help you to overcome a series of rational and seemingly insurmountable arguments this week.
  • Capricorn Sadly, nobody will believe you when you try to explain what happened at this week's Liars Anonymous meeting.
  • Aquarius The stars indicate that it's time to lose those love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Pisces While many condemn you for choosing to get an abortion, the personal courage you showed in making the difficult decision would likely have made your son or daughter very proud.