Horoscope

09.25.07 | ISSUE 43•39

  • Your Birthday Today While one's sense of hearing is often the first to go, with you it'll be the sense of dignity.
  • Aries You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when your death is so unexpected and tragic that it lives on in the mind of fear-seized men for centuries to come.
  • Taurus While it's natural for human beings to be resistant to change, it's probably time you started accepting some from generous passersby.
  • Gemini You will realize who your real friends are this week when a local doctor finally prescribes you some much-needed antipsychotics.
  • Cancer The old adage "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" will feel especially apt next week when you're forced to return over $200 worth of baby clothes and cigars.
  • Leo Your belief in holding doors open for women, pulling their chairs out for them, and offering to pay for dinner all make you an old-fashioned type of guy. As does your belief that women shouldn't have the right to vote.
  • Virgo Hands-free cell phones may not be any safer or less distracting than regular cell phones, but they will be your only option after next week's car accident.
  • Libra You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.
  • Scorpio A delicious meal will come back to haunt you hours later when, changed somehow beyond all recognition, it suddenly falls out of your body at an inopportune moment.
  • Sagittarius Drained both physically and emotionally, you will find comfort this week in the arms of a rather spacious leather couch.
  • Capricorn According to the stars, nothing will be able to stop you this week, which sounds great until you realize that you'll spend most of it behind the wheel of a runaway gasoline truck.
  • Aquarius Postcoital cigarettes are one thing, but those pre- and mid-coital cigarettes are really beginning to annoy your partner.
  • Pisces The technical details are still being worked out, but executives promise that your first few hilarious and heartwarming years will soon be released as a deluxe DVD package.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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