Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•41 Oct 9, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today A set of trick candles will result in the hilarious smoke-inhalation death of nearly 12 party guests tonight.
  • Aries While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.
  • Taurus A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.
  • Gemini Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.
  • Cancer Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.
  • Leo The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.
  • Virgo An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."
  • Libra The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.
  • Scorpio Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.
  • Sagittarius Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.
  • Capricorn Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.
  • Aquarius From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.
  • Pisces A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.