Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Aging Americans
- Last Updated 1:10 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today A set of trick candles will result in the hilarious smoke-inhalation death of nearly 12 party guests tonight.

Aries While you've long suspected yourself to be one in a million, the outcome of this Thursday's bone marrow search will remove any and all doubt.

Taurus A hand crank, two steel hooks attached at opposite ends of the oral cavity, and sheer mechanical force will soon leave you with a giant smile on your face.

Gemini Remember: Sometimes in life sacrifices must be made in order to appease Azazel, Guardian of the Goat and Netherworld Demon Of The Second Order.

Cancer Don't let negativity win out today, even though it probably will, because you're a worthless human being who most likely doesn't deserve to be happy.

Leo The streets will become choked with the blood of mortal men today. Take advantage of this by catching up on some long overdue work around the house.

Virgo An attempt to laugh off your problems will quickly backfire when the NAACP doesn't see what's so funny about calling African-Americans a "never-ending scourge on society."

Libra The discovery of your father's pornography collection will leave you feeling shocked this week. Then curious. And finally sleepy.

Scorpio Ominous winds from the east will sweep across town, causing you to don a rather large wool sweater in order to stay warm.

Sagittarius Actions will speak louder than words this week when someone silently simulates an up-and-down "jack-off motion" whenever you begin to talk.

Capricorn Despite having a lot on your plate, you'll still take on an extra helping of mashed potatoes, a side of sweet corn, and two additional slices of meat loaf tonight.

Aquarius From the mouths of babes will soon come a series of molestation, sexual assault, and kidnapping charges against you.

Pisces A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (October 2, 2007)
Your Horoscope » (October 16, 2007)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...