Horoscope

10.23.07 | ISSUE 43•43

  • Your Birthday Today Take control of your life! A half-cup of chicken's blood mixed with the tears of a fallen waif should once and for all break that gypsy's curse.
  • Aries An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat.
  • Taurus You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.
  • Gemini A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.
  • Cancer While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week.
  • Leo A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.
  • Virgo There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.
  • Libra Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.
  • Scorpio The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.
  • Sagittarius Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face.
  • Capricorn While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Aquarius Remember: Whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.
  • Pisces The stars are having a wonderful time this week trying to guess your weight.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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