• Your Birthday Today Take control of your life! A half-cup of chicken's blood mixed with the tears of a fallen waif should once and for all break that gypsy's curse.
  • Aries An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat.
  • Taurus You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor.
  • Gemini A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.
  • Cancer While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week.
  • Leo A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.
  • Virgo There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.
  • Libra Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.
  • Scorpio The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.
  • Sagittarius Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face.
  • Capricorn While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.
  • Aquarius Remember: Whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.
  • Pisces The stars are having a wonderful time this week trying to guess your weight.