Your HoroscopeYour Birthday Today Take control of your life! A half-cup of chicken's blood mixed with the tears of a fallen waif should once and for all break that gypsy's curse.Aries An attempt at sexual innuendo goes awry this week when animal rights activists come out in full force to protest the dangerous, disgusting treatment of your pet cat. Taurus You'll receive a giant burst of energy halfway through the week, thanks to lax safety regulations and an overheated nuclear reactor. Gemini A familiar face will bring you much- needed comfort this Thursday, at once allaying fears that your wife was cheating on you with a complete stranger.Cancer While you've always been proud of your ability to adapt to new and unexpected situations, you'll still fail to grow a set of functional gills by early next week. Leo A series of gruesome events will soon leave you sickened by not only the sight, but also by the sound, the feel, and the taste of blood.Virgo There's nothing quite like the laughter of children to illustrate what a total farce your life has become.Libra Your disarming smile faces its biggest challenge this week when the U.S. government sends you to defuse tensions in Pakistan.Scorpio The purchase of a new rocking chair will soon give your ailing mother the illusion of motion.Sagittarius Don't worry about what people are saying behind your back this week. Especially considering all the nasty things they'll be saying directly to your face. Capricorn While it's been ages since you last cried about having no shoes, you'll still keep running into that creepy man without feet every other week.Aquarius Remember: Whoever said that humans only use 10 percent of their brains was probably using less than 6 percent of his.Pisces The stars are having a wonderful time this week trying to guess your weight.