• Your Birthday Today Set aside some time to enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. Ten to 15 seconds should be more than enough to experience them all.
  • Aries For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
  • Taurus The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week, before going soft and filling with mold two days later.
  • Gemini It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90 percent of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.
  • Cancer Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
  • Leo The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain's memory center will soon give you the fresh start you've been searching for.
  • Virgo A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even  Francis Bacon at his height.
  • Libra Don't be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.
  • Scorpio When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
  • Sagittarius Don't listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.
  • Capricorn You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.
  • Aquarius Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.
  • Pisces The stars think it's time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.