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Your Birthday Today Set aside some time to enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. Ten to 15 seconds should be more than enough to experience them all.

Aries For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.

Taurus The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week, before going soft and filling with mold two days later.

Gemini It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90 percent of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.

Cancer Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!

Leo The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain's memory center will soon give you the fresh start you've been searching for.

Virgo A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even Francis Bacon at his height.

Libra Don't be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.

Scorpio When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.

Sagittarius Don't listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.

Capricorn You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.

Aquarius Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.

Pisces The stars think it's time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...