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Your Birthday Today Set aside some time to enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. Ten to 15 seconds should be more than enough to experience them all.

Aries For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.

Taurus The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week, before going soft and filling with mold two days later.

Gemini It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90 percent of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.

Cancer Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!

Leo The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain's memory center will soon give you the fresh start you've been searching for.

Virgo A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even Francis Bacon at his height.

Libra Don't be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.

Scorpio When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.

Sagittarius Don't listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.

Capricorn You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.

Aquarius Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.

Pisces The stars think it's time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

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May 15, 2012

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May 8, 2012

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May 1, 2012

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April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
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Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

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