• Your Birthday Today Don't worry, your crippling agoraphobia will soon be cured by your crippling arachnophobia.
  • Aries While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.
  • Taurus You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.
  • Gemini Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.
  • Cancer Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.
  • Leo All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.
  • Virgo You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.
  • Libra While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.
  • Scorpio You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.
  • Sagittarius Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!
  • Capricorn A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.
  • Aquarius If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?
  • Pisces You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.