Your Horoscope

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- No Child Left Behind
- Postracial Racism
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Aging Americans
- Last Updated 1:10 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Your Birthday Today Don't worry, your crippling agoraphobia will soon be cured by your crippling arachnophobia.

Aries While the news is certainly sad, take heart in knowing that your mother is in a better place now, even if it is a cramped wooden coffin six feet underground.

Taurus You'll finally find Mr. Right this week, moments after he leaves a pregnant Mrs. Right to be with you.

Gemini Despite the best of intentions, a sex addiction intervention will quickly and repeatedly backfire this Thursday.

Cancer Several dozen blemishes on your permanent record will prevent you from getting into the maximum security prison of your choice next week.

Leo All of your questions concerning spontaneous combustion will suddenly be answered this Friday.

Virgo You'll realize how much your drinking has affected your personal relationships this week, after friends admit they hate the person you become when sober.

Libra While initially insulted, you'll soon realize that being called an "unfit mother" has little to do with what shape you're in.

Scorpio You will be reduced to a mere statistic as soon as someone starts keeping track of how many Americans are deservedly paralyzed in motorcycle accidents each year.

Sagittarius Spice up your marriage! When role-playing with your wife, pretend you're her emotionally distant, affection-withholding father!

Capricorn A firm handshake can tell you a lot about a person, especially if that person has a hook for a hand.

Aquarius If you want your fortune so bad, maybe you should consult those tea leaves again—the way you did last week. You didn't think the stars knew about that, did you?

Pisces You will finally stop referring to the Midwest as the "flyover states" during a tragic plane ride from New York to Los Angeles.

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (October 30, 2007)
Your Horoscope » (November 13, 2007)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...