Your Birthday Today Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
Aries Turn that frown upside down! A dislocated collarbone should make the process easier than you may think.
Taurus You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.
Gemini It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
Cancer While usually reserved, you'll wear your heart on your sleeve, your shirt collar, and most of your pants after a harrowing clock-tower shooting this Thursday.
Leo Avoid a potentially embarrassing situation this week by explaining to your daughter that sometimes mommies and daddies also enjoy playing dress-up.
Virgo Sure, it may be hard to stay optimistic, but remember: It's called pancreatic cancer, not pancreatic can't-cer!
Libra Just when you think things can't get any worse, the crying infant three seats down will survive the plane crash.
Scorpio Don't let the love of your life pass you by. Stop the hors d'oeuvres waiter carrying some of those delicious pigs in a blanket.
Sagittarius Problems at home will require your full attention this week. Be sure to first mute the television set before asking your partner why she's crying.
Capricorn The stars would love to predict your future this week, but it's hard to tell what's going on with all that blood in the way.
Aquarius Your marathon run will soon be regarded as a true testament to the futility of the human spirit.
Pisces What may at first appear to be an insurmountable obstacle will in time be seen for what it really is: an impenetrable barrier.
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