Horoscope

11.13.07 | ISSUE 43•46

  • Your Birthday Today Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
  • Aries Turn that frown upside down! A dislocated collarbone should make the process easier than you may think.
  • Taurus You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.
  • Gemini It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Cancer While usually reserved, you'll wear your heart on your sleeve, your shirt collar, and most of your pants after a harrowing clock-tower shooting this Thursday.
  • Leo Avoid a potentially embarrassing situation this week by explaining to your daughter that sometimes mommies and daddies also enjoy playing dress-up.
  • Virgo Sure, it may be hard to stay optimistic, but remember: It's called pancreatic cancer, not pancreatic can't-cer!
  • Libra Just when you think things can't get any worse, the crying infant three seats down will survive the plane crash.
  • Scorpio Don't let the love of your life pass you by. Stop the hors d'oeuvres waiter carrying some of those delicious pigs in a blanket.
  • Sagittarius Problems at home will require your full attention this week. Be sure to first mute the television set before asking your partner why she's crying.
  • Capricorn The stars would love to predict your future this week, but it's hard to tell what's going on with all that blood in the way.
  • Aquarius Your marathon run will soon be regarded as a true testament to the futility of the human spirit.
  • Pisces What may at first appear to be an insurmountable obstacle will in time be seen for what it really is: an impenetrable barrier.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
    Video
    The Onion

    [x] Click to close

    © Copyright 2012, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.

    News »

    Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

    02.09.12

    Facebook

    Follow The Onion

    Sign Up For The Newsletter

    Daily Weekly Video

    Other Options: