Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•46 Nov 13, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
  • Aries Turn that frown upside down! A dislocated collarbone should make the process easier than you may think.
  • Taurus You will soon realize that there's nothing more beautiful than watching the morning sunrise—except for, of course, being able to sleep at night.
  • Gemini It's not the size of the ship, but rather the motion of the ocean that will cause your girlfriend to get sick during intercourse.
  • Cancer While usually reserved, you'll wear your heart on your sleeve, your shirt collar, and most of your pants after a harrowing clock-tower shooting this Thursday.
  • Leo Avoid a potentially embarrassing situation this week by explaining to your daughter that sometimes mommies and daddies also enjoy playing dress-up.
  • Virgo Sure, it may be hard to stay optimistic, but remember: It's called pancreatic cancer, not pancreatic can't-cer!
  • Libra Just when you think things can't get any worse, the crying infant three seats down will survive the plane crash.
  • Scorpio Don't let the love of your life pass you by. Stop the hors d'oeuvres waiter carrying some of those delicious pigs in a blanket.
  • Sagittarius Problems at home will require your full attention this week. Be sure to first mute the television set before asking your partner why she's crying.
  • Capricorn The stars would love to predict your future this week, but it's hard to tell what's going on with all that blood in the way.
  • Aquarius Your marathon run will soon be regarded as a true testament to the futility of the human spirit.
  • Pisces What may at first appear to be an insurmountable obstacle will in time be seen for what it really is: an impenetrable barrier.