• Your Birthday Today Congratulations, you're now officially too old to have roommates!
  • Aries Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
  • Taurus They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.
  • Gemini You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.
  • Cancer Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.
  • Leo Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.
  • Virgo Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.
  • Libra Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.
  • Scorpio A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.
  • Sagittarius Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.
  • Capricorn The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.
  • Aquarius Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?
  • Pisces The stars, though massive balls of plasma incapable of human emotion, pity you.