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Your Birthday Today Congratulations, you're now officially too old to have roommates!

Aries Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you're unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.

Taurus They've called you spineless, thin-skinned, a lowly bottom feeder. But then you're Rhopilema verrilli, a species of jellyfish known for its creamy white color and deep swimming bell.

Gemini You've tried to go it alone but, sadly, what the act of sexual stimulation really needs is a woman's touch.

Cancer Most firearm accidents occur in the home. Avoid the chance of serious injury by getting shot repeatedly at work this week.

Leo Your meticulous attention to detail willl once again ruin an other-wise fun and pleasureable pasttime.

Virgo Fears of dying alone will soon be allayed when more than 2,000 fire ants keep you company during those last terrifying minutes.

Libra Your zodiac sign will continue to grow more ironic with each and every meal you choose to consume.

Scorpio A head surgeon and two operating nurses will soon stage a comedy of errors atop your anesthetized chest.

Sagittarius Dyslexia may be a serious affliction, but so is abusing it in order to attain triple-letter scores when playing Scrabble.

Capricorn The best way to survive a grizzly bear attack is to play dead. Look to your wife and children for pointers on realism.

Aquarius Sure, you may be having some second thoughts about it, but when was the last time a little vial of poison hurt anyone?

Pisces The stars, though massive balls of plasma incapable of human emotion, pity you.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...