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Your Birthday Today An oncoming city bus will soon bring your midlife crisis to an end.

Aries After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!

Taurus Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.

Gemini You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.

Cancer A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.

Leo Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.

Virgo What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.

Libra Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.

Scorpio Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."

Sagittarius Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.

Capricorn Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.

Aquarius Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.

Pisces A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...