Your Birthday Today An oncoming city bus will soon bring your midlife crisis to an end.
Aries After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!
Taurus Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.
Gemini You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.
Cancer A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.
Leo Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.
Virgo What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
Libra Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.
Scorpio Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."
Sagittarius Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.
Capricorn Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.
Aquarius Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.
Pisces A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.
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