Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•49 Dec 4, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today An oncoming city bus will soon bring your midlife crisis to an end.
  • Aries After days of banging your head against the wall, you'll finally find the answer you've been searching for: Bluurghhzzzzz!
  • Taurus Eyes are the windows to the soul. Keep yours shiny and clean by scrubbing them with an ammonia solution.
  • Gemini You've never been one to believe in God, but then He does seem pretty sure about Canberra being the capital of Australia.
  • Cancer A series of tragic and unforeseen events will soon leave you the man, woman, and sister of the house.
  • Leo Your relationship elevator is going up this week. Unfortunately, it's a relationship service elevator and the guy is only into you for the green card.
  • Virgo What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
  • Libra Your attempt to hold a mirror up to society backfires this week when society is pleasantly surprised with how good its hypocrisy looks.
  • Scorpio Despite there being a medical term for it, a team of doctors will simply refer to your condition as "Jesus fucking Christ."
  • Sagittarius Your lucky Elements of the Periodic Table for this week are: Boron, Magnesium, Zinc, and Iodine.
  • Capricorn Yes, the human body is an incredible organism, but the way you say it just sounds creepy.
  • Aquarius Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a terrible idea.
  • Pisces A devastating earthquake will claim the lives of thousands this Thursday. On the bright side, you'll finally make that 7-10 split you've been struggling with.