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Your Birthday Today The stars agree—you're getting way too old for all of this shit.

Aries Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.

Taurus An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.

Gemini Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.

Cancer You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.

Leo While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.

Virgo You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.

Libra An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.

Scorpio Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.

Sagittarius The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.

Capricorn You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.

Aquarius The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.

Pisces Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"

More Horoscope

« Your Horoscope (December 4, 2007)
Your Astrological Predictions For 2008 » (December 16, 2007)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...