Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 43•50 Dec 11, 2007
  • Your Birthday Today The stars agree—you're getting way too old for all of this shit.
  • Aries Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.
  • Taurus An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there.
  • Gemini Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.
  • Cancer You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.
  • Leo While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped.
  • Virgo You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it.
  • Libra An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops.
  • Scorpio Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.
  • Sagittarius The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.
  • Capricorn You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.
  • Aquarius The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.
  • Pisces Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"