Your HoroscopeYour Birthday Today The stars agree—you're getting way too old for all of this shit.Aries Crackling with the warmth of the season, a yuletide fire will quickly consume your helpless flesh.Taurus An attempt to concentrate on more intellectual pursuits will ultimately fail this week, thanks to that shiny thing over there. Gemini Though not a mood ring by design, your wedding band will soon communicate the misery and hopelessness you feel inside.Cancer You'll be brought to your knees this Thursday by nothing more than a severe and irreversible case of gangrene.Leo While you've reasoned your way out of tricky situations before, a crisis this week involving a fox, a chicken, and a bag of feed will leave you completely stumped. Virgo You've never been the type to ask for help. Sadly, though, you've always been the type to beg for it. Libra An engrossing read will soon transport you to a strange and faraway land, leaving you stranded in Harlem after 30 missed stops. Scorpio Your lucky 19th century German-language philosophers for this week are: Heidegger, Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Wundt.Sagittarius The National Institute Of Raised Expectations Followed By Disappointing Results will come very close to honoring you this week.Capricorn You never thought having a kid could be so exhausting, but then staying one step ahead of Child Protective Services does take its toll.Aquarius The rise of Venus in your sign can only mean one thing: This will be a great week to read too much into stuff.Pisces Speak directly from the heart this week. Tell your loved one, "Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood! Re-circulate the blood!"