Your Horoscope

  • Your Birthday Today Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.
  • Aries A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disasterous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.
  • Taurus Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a bad idea.
  • Gemini Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.
  • Cancer Statistics say that nearly 78% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."
  • Leo There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out of the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.
  • Virgo You'll again fail to see the world though the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing them doesn't really work like that.
  • Libra You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.
  • Scorpio You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.
  • Sagittarius Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.
  • Capricorn You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.
  • Aquarius For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.
  • Pisces Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.