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Your Birthday Today Your pregnancy will be marked by a number of bizarre cravings, including pickles dipped in ice cream, lemons coated with salt, and a father figure to help raise your son.

Aries A march intended to raise awareness of breast cancer will, after a disasterous turn, raise awareness of drunk driving instead.

Taurus Maybe it's your dislike of actor Roberto Benigni, but you're starting to think the Holocaust wasn't such a bad idea.

Gemini Much to your surprise, what actually separates the men from the boys will turn out to be a court order.

Cancer Statistics say that nearly 78% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."

Leo There's no denying that your unique scarecrow design scares the hell out of the crows, but it has the disadvantage of filling your yard with infuriated Christians.

Virgo You'll again fail to see the world though the eyes of a child this week when it turns out that kids' eyes are really expensive and, anyway, seeing them doesn't really work like that.

Libra You'll end this week pretty much the way you started it, at least from a purely chemical-composition standpoint.

Scorpio You've never enjoyed taking advantage of emotionally vulnerable individuals, but unfortunately, as a health-care professional, that's your job.

Sagittarius Even though he lives nearly three states away and you haven't seen each other in years, you will eerily sense your twin brother's promotion to senior middle manager this week at the very moment it happens.

Capricorn You will soon be surprised to learn that your personal hell is actually quite similar, in more ways than you'll care to admit, to the Christian conception of hell.

Aquarius For two horrifying and heartrending hours immediately outside your beach house this week, the blue whale will become the largest land mammal.

Pisces Financial hardship will soon be yours when a visiting Spaniard causes $600 worth of damage to your bar's mechanical bull.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (January 7, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...