Your Birthday Today A surprise party looms in your future. Although, technically speaking, the "surprise" has more to do with how few people will show up.
Aries Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”
Taurus While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.
Gemini The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
Cancer Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.
Leo You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.
Virgo You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.
Libra After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.
Scorpio Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
Sagittarius You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.
Capricorn Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.
Aquarius Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.
Pisces By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.
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