Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•02 Jan 7, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today A surprise party looms in your future. Although, technically speaking, the "surprise" has more to do with how few people will show up.
  • Aries Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”
  • Taurus While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.
  • Gemini The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.
  • Cancer Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.
  • Leo You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.
  • Virgo You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.
  • Libra After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.
  • Scorpio Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.
  • Sagittarius You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.
  • Capricorn Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.
  • Aquarius Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.
  • Pisces By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.