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Your Birthday Today A surprise party looms in your future. Although, technically speaking, the "surprise" has more to do with how few people will show up.

Aries Lately it seems like every time you open your mouth something terrible happens. Don’t be alarmed: What you’re suffering from is known as “food poisoning.”

Taurus While many people believe humor to be subjective, you and 36 flights of freshly mopped stairs will soon prove them wrong.

Gemini The stars predict an exciting change in careers this week. Prepare to go from being a Fry Cook to being a Former Fry Cook.

Cancer Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain can be difficult to ascertain, but then that’s what the strange men in lab coats are here for.

Leo You’ll be attacked for your unflattering and blasphemous depiction of the prophet Mohammed following a rather disastrous makeover this week.

Virgo You always thought that talking with your hands was something you did because you were Italian, but, as it turns out, it’s because you’re deaf.

Libra After all the blood, sweat and tears, you’ll once again flush hours of strenuous work straight down the toilet.

Scorpio Sure, the bear costume may have set you back a pretty penny, but just think of all the free tranquilizer shots you’ll soon be getting.

Sagittarius You’ll swear off ever using the canned stuff again after getting your hands on some fresh, locally grown whupass this week.

Capricorn Even though you know Rumpelstiltskin is his name, you’re still not sure you want to go back to the responsibilities of motherhood.

Aquarius Looking back now, it was probably foolish to bet everything on a horse named Remember, Sound Financial Investments Are The Key To Avoiding Crippling Debt.

Pisces By the time you finish reading this, it will have been too late.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...