Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•03 Jan 15, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today The stars foresee a time of great vagueness and something or other in your future. Also, there will be a chair.
  • Aries Finding out that a family member has passed away is never easy. Still, this week's Gorilla Gram will be tough to accept.
  • Taurus You will soon experience the kind of love that exists only in movies, but unfortunately for you, they're the ones starring Woody Allen.
  • Gemini While your method certainly worked, a simple diaper change would also have put the child out of its misery.
  • Cancer Critics will call your first poetry collection a "stirring work of utmost courage and beauty," which just goes to show how much mileage that man from Nantucket has.
  • Leo If you have one fault, it's that you care too much. However, if you have two faults, it's that you can never pare your faults down to just one.
  • Virgo You'll be honored as a true War Hero this week, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.
  • Libra Remember: While it takes a real man to admit he's made a mistake, it takes a fake woman to give him his money back.
  • Scorpio You will enjoy renewed popularity when four-star chefs serve you in a light hollandaise sauce with choice of salad.
  • Sagittarius While many people have coping mechanisms, yours is the only one made up of two hand pulleys and a crate of vodka.
  • Capricorn Your new Vaudeville routine will have them rolling in the aisles this week, though technically speaking, some of the credit should go to the fire.
  • Aquarius Though many have argued over what came first, the chicken or the egg, all agree that causality dilemmas were a lot more fun before you showed up.
  • Pisces You will soon be ten men closer to discovering who it is you have to blow to get some service around here.