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Your Birthday Today A new chapter in your life is about to begin, though to be fair, it'll still contain the same tired dialogue and unlikable cast of characters you've come to expect.

Aries Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.

Taurus While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.

Gemini After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.

Cancer Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.

Leo Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.

Virgo It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.

Libra It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.

Scorpio The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.

Sagittarius Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.

Capricorn A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.

Aquarius Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.

Pisces Days spent feeling like yesterday's garbage will soon come to an end. Prepare to start feeling like today's fresh selection of garbage.

More Horoscope

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Your Horoscope » (January 29, 2008)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...