Your Birthday Today A new chapter in your life is about to begin, though to be fair, it'll still contain the same tired dialogue and unlikable cast of characters you've come to expect.
Aries Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.
Taurus While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.
Gemini After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.
Cancer Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
Leo Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.
Virgo It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.
Libra It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.
Scorpio The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
Sagittarius Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.
Capricorn A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.
Aquarius Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.
Pisces Days spent feeling like yesterday's garbage will soon come to an end. Prepare to start feeling like today's fresh selection of garbage.
0