• Your Birthday Today A new chapter in your life is about to begin, though to be fair, it'll still contain the same tired dialogue and unlikable cast of characters you've come to expect.
  • Aries Your heart will be in the right place this Thursday. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for the rest of your inner organs.
  • Taurus While it's true that we all wear masks in our day-to-day lives, yours is the only one with both an elastic band and plastic eyeholes.
  • Gemini After years of hard work, you'll finally be honored this week for your contributions to the field of Wasting Other People's Valuable Time.
  • Cancer Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
  • Leo Yes, you're the result of a top-secret military project to meld man with machine. Unfortunately, the project's main objective was to build a better coffee maker.
  • Virgo It's strange the things we do when we fall in love, especially considering the rather strict regulations governing domestic livestock.
  • Libra It will smell like burnt toast, taste like burnt toast, and even look like burnt toast, but you'll be damned if it isn't just a massive cerebral hemorrhage of the frontal lobe.
  • Scorpio The stars predict the start of you getting a little more proactive about your own fucking future for a change. Seriously, enough is enough.
  • Sagittarius Your lucky gastrointestinal parasites for this week are: Cryptosporidium, hookworm, Giardia, and Trematodes.
  • Capricorn A stirring piece of classical music will soon move you in ways you never thought possible. Still, thrusting one's pelvis to Tchaikovsky is frowned upon in most concert halls.
  • Aquarius Misery may love company, but it's been over a month now that you've been crashing on its couch, and, well, you're really starting to bum misery out.
  • Pisces Days spent feeling like yesterday's garbage will soon come to an end. Prepare to start feeling like today's fresh selection of garbage.