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Your Birthday Today You will meet a tall, dark stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll spend the entire time trying to set you up with his short, white friend.

Aries Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.

Taurus A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.

Gemini By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.

Cancer They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.

Leo Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.

Virgo You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.

Libra Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.

Scorpio It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.

Sagittarius While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.

Capricorn They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.

Aquarius You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.

Pisces You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

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January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

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November 8, 2011

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