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Your Birthday Today You will meet a tall, dark stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll spend the entire time trying to set you up with his short, white friend.

Aries Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.

Taurus A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.

Gemini By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.

Cancer They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.

Leo Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.

Virgo You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.

Libra Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.

Scorpio It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.

Sagittarius While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.

Capricorn They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.

Aquarius You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.

Pisces You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.

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Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

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March 13, 2012

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