Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•05 Jan 29, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today You will meet a tall, dark stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll spend the entire time trying to set you up with his short, white friend.
  • Aries Though life may seem like one big game, there will be swift and severe consequences to dumping out that barrel of monkeys.
  • Taurus A surge of adrenaline can give people superhuman strength in times of emergency, but you'll refuse to admit that's how you opened the mayonnaise jar.
  • Gemini By the end of the week, you will be heartbroken, confused, and alone. In other words, prepare for a very uneventful few days.
  • Cancer They say you drive all the women crazy, but then again, you're Menopause, a physical and psychological condition known for such symptoms as depression, hot flashes, and unpredictable mood swings.
  • Leo Getting out of bed in the morning has never been easy for you, though to be fair, the leather straps do pose a new challenge.
  • Virgo You'll fail to pull off the perfect murder when police investigators grow suspicious of the revolver, handsaw, and shovel you try to serve them for dinner.
  • Libra Your skin will soon feel like it's crawling with insects, but fear not: Spiders are actually arachnids.
  • Scorpio It doesn't matter who did what to whom, or who owes whom what, or even what was what, just as long as people start being specific for a fucking change.
  • Sagittarius While giving blood is considered a selfless act, the manner and speed with which you'll do it will leave pedestrians shocked.
  • Capricorn They say you're immature, that you have a great deal of growing up left to do, but then, you're rubber and they're glue.
  • Aquarius You've never been the type of person who deals well with criticism, the mere mention of which will incite you to hurl a chair across the room this week.
  • Pisces You will learn a very important lesson this week concerning the relative melting points of several different dental fillings.