Your Birthday Today An exciting new phase in your life is about to begin. Secrete abdominal fluids to soften the inside of your cocoon and fly out.
Aries Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
Taurus While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
Gemini Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
Cancer They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
Leo A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
Virgo If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
Libra Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
Scorpio Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
Sagittarius You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
Capricorn Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
Aquarius The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
Pisces Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.
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