Your Horoscope

Horoscope ISSUE 44•06 Feb 5, 2008
  • Your Birthday Today An exciting new phase in your life is about to begin. Secrete abdominal fluids to soften the inside of your cocoon and fly out.
  • Aries Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.
  • Taurus While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.
  • Gemini Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.
  • Cancer They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.
  • Leo A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.
  • Virgo If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.
  • Libra Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.
  • Scorpio Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.
  • Sagittarius You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.
  • Capricorn Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.
  • Aquarius The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.
  • Pisces Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.