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Your Birthday Today An exciting new phase in your life is about to begin. Secrete abdominal fluids to soften the inside of your cocoon and fly out.

Aries Just when things are beginning to look up, the three-ton wrecking ball will come swinging back in your direction.

Taurus While your new skirt leaves little to the imagination, many will still try to picture it on a woman instead.

Gemini Your finances and your health are equally important. Unfortunately, the sale of your last kidney will soon bring an end to both.

Cancer They say dogs are man's best friend, but you'll realize yours has been letting you win at checkers this entire time.

Leo A masterful game of cunning, subterfuge and daring will help you to secure the last remaining slice of pizza this Thursday.

Virgo If you think he's angry about your tryst with his daughter, just wait until the farmer finds out what you did to his son.

Libra Your belief in an omnipotent being that lives above the clouds may sound ridiculous, but it's the fact that you think He's out to do good that's truly preposterous.

Scorpio Thomas Edison described genius as one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. Still, that's no reason to brag about what you do in the bathroom.

Sagittarius You'll save half-a-dozen orphans from a burning building this week, though to be fair, that's largely because you'll refuse to go back in for their parents.

Capricorn Revolving restaurants can make for a nice and relaxing outing. Sadly, yours will spin along the other axis.

Aquarius The most important thing is that you tried, or at least it will be during your attempted murder trial next week.

Pisces Lately it seems like nobody respects your feelings, but why don't you just shut up for a second and let the stars worry about it.

More Horoscope

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Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...